Many of us live as though anxiety is our own worst enemy, terrorizing us from within. But she is tragically misunderstood and unfairly villainized. Anxiety was always meant to be friend, not foe.

Sense

Anxiety is a body guard hired by evolution to protect us from danger and keep us alive (us and our children). She utilizes her keen sense of neuroception to scan the environment for concerns beyond our conscious level of awareness. Like a lifeguard at the pool, we are free to be fully present in our play because she is on duty. Sensing is one of her superpowers. Danger, unmet needs, misalignment with values—she’s catching it for us. Without her, we would walk right off a cliff, none-the-wiser.

Signal

She then signals to us her concerns. This is where our relationship with our protectress makes all the difference to our experience of her. In the same way our little ones learn to communicate with us through subtle cues when we respond sensitively and consistently or immediate and urgent scream cries if we ignore them, we teach our anxiety what level and style of communication is effective. Signaling is an important part of her job, and that happens within the quality of her connection with us. Is it a secure connection?

Set an intention to get to know her as a dear friend and staunch ally. We can prime ourselves with a warm openness and genuine curiosity to truly receive her when she makes her next visit. When we first begin to feel the energy of her presence, we can pause and turn toward, inviting her in to sit with us in a welcoming space of conscious connection. Really see her, maybe for the first time. See her intention to care for you. Notice her fatigue if she has been working extra hard against our resistance to make contact. We can name her. We can draw her. We can honor her. When we do, she takes her rightful place within us in service of our true needs; no more, no less. When she shows up welcomed as a valued part of us, she functions as a cooperative part under our leadership.

These signals are simply invitations for us to check in on our present safety, needs, or values. We can respond to them as such and she will appreciate our leadership.

Save

The sensing and signaling are precursor skills for her highest calling and truest purpose: to save our lives. Anxiety is our inner warrior. She is the personification of fight or flight. We tap her in when we need to outrun the tiger or fight the bear. She can lunge into action and catch our falling child before we even realize they’re falling. We can even draw from her deep well of strength (she’s happy to help) in peace times.

We want to gratefully appreciate the strength she offers, calling her up with confidence when we need to tap into that fierce energy, and we want her to know her place, making clear to her when and how she is a value add to our lives. She needs to trust in our leadership, which is fostered by navigating and captaining our everyday lives ourselves (the vast majority of which is not a life threatening emergency). She’s not equipped to steer the ship, she was never meant to steer the ship, she doesn’t want to steer the ship, but she will if you believe that you can’t (by promptly returning to port and dry docking the boat). She can’t read maps, she doesn’t know how to sail, and she’s exhausted to the point of delirium after very short stints of work. Pirates boarding your ship? This is her time to shine! But the rest of the long voyage she hangs out in the crow’s nest. She’s an essential crew member but it’s a very part-time job.

My warrior is Diana of Themyscira (Wonder Woman, the Gal Gadot version). She is strong but she taps into that strength in service of her values, channeling it into confidence and purposefulness as much as physical prowess, energized skillfulness, and sensory awareness. She is content to peacefully rest, play, and thrive as much as she is willing and able to fight. She is integrated as a welcomed and valued part of who I am and how I show up in the world. My strength is palpable yet measured, existing as a harmonious part of the whole, and I love this part of me.

Let’s stop villainizing our anxiety and befriend her instead. Turn toward her when she shows up in service of our safety, needs, and values. Respect her senses, receive her signals, and lead her actions. If this kind of relationship with anxiety resonates but feels far away, I can help you get there in therapy or coaching or you can dive deeper into this shift inside the Sage Mothering course.