There is wisdom and bravery in noticing when something is not nurturing our well-being and making a different choice. Quitting can be a valid and healthy option.

It is also essential to understand that avoidance (a facet of the flight in ‘fight or flight’) is Anxiety’s go-to tactic for taking up more space. If consuming a particular plant makes us sick, she reminds us to avoid eating that plant moving forward. Under our leadership, her signals for potential dangers to avoid are helpful. But if Anxiety is allowed to lead, we will end up barricaded in a padded cell, completely cut off from a life worth living. The safety officer can’t run the whole plant or she’d simply shut it down to avoid any and all danger.

When we face a challenge, Anxiety says, “Danger, you can’t do it.” Then if we quit, we prove her right and she grows, “See, I told you we couldn’t do it.” Anxiety’s storying becomes our identity and the path of avoidance gets grooved into our brains and bodies like a river cutting a canyon each time we avoid.

There are three shifts we’ve made in our family that have pruned anxiety-driven avoidance: 

1. Try it once, then you choose.

We encourage our children to try things so they can then make informed decisions about what they like and want to do more of and what they don’t enjoy and would like to decline moving forward. It is an engrained aspect of our family culture that we collect experiences, valuing them as growth and learning opportunities. It’s not so much about the thing, but all we learn about ourselves and the world and all the ways we grow individually and together while engaging in the thing. The definition of success is trying, showing up for ourselves, through the discomfort, regardless of the outcome. When facing a new challenge, we rise to the occasion, move all the way through the experience, then decide if it’s for us or not.

2. We don’t quit on a hard day. 

If we find ourselves in an uncomfortable challenge, we grow through it, strengthening our internal and external resources, practicing the best version of ourselves into the present. Once we’re on the other side, then we decide if this context is a value add for us. It’s not that we can’t quit, it’s that we must land solidly on the other side of the challenge first, and then we can quit.

I like to think of this as closing the loop. It establishes a reputation within ourselves as someone who can do hard things, fosters the development of everything we need to get there, and grooves those neural pathways for that competent and confident completion. The taste left in our mouths once we’re back to safety informs our identity. Reminder: success is not even defined by any outcome but by how we showed up within the experience (the only part that is within our control).

Anxiety often shows up with avoidance when it’s time to transition into something. It’s important to recognize what part of our child is showing up in this conversation with us (who we’re talking to) and frame the forces we’re observing. 

“It’s time to leave for our Hackschool adventure!”

“I don’t want to go!”

“I know that leaving is hard and I know that you can do it. I’ve got our waters and snacks! I’ve got our sweatshirts! Now I just need our adventurer! Hop on my back for the spinning helicopter ride to the car!”

From time to time, I will do that recognition and framing work aloud to invite my child in:

“I’m recognizing inertia: it’s hard to go from a body at rest to a body in motion. I’m also remembering how Anxiety always tries to avoid things he thinks could be even a little bit hard, forgetting all the awesome parts completely. Do you remember our last Hackschool adventure to play with alpacas? Once we got over this brief hump of resistance and on our way, you had an awesome day! How’d you do it then? If at the end of our adventure today you tell me that exploring lava caves with our friends is totally lame then we can black list lava caves forever and you can choose the next Hackschool adventure. Okay? Okay.”

As an adventurous family, we experience this lesson time and again hiking over a mountain or kayaking across a river—(there is no eject button) the only way is through. We get ourselves through the challenging experience and back to the base of safety and then from there we can decide if river rafting is something we want to do again (quitting is just not an option mid rapid). So even if one decides river rafting is not their new favorite sport, they still get to carry with them forever that they did that.

If Anxiety believes that avoidance is an option, she will rail hard for it. But as soon as she believes that it’s not, she surrenders and sits back down, accepting that while she does get to come along for the ride, she doesn’t get a paddle. And once you’re through to the other side, she trusts that you can do it, and will express a little less concern next time. 

3. To say no to one thing, we have to say yes to something else. 

Replacement takes the place of avoidance. It allows for adjustments as we learn more about ourselves, others, and our world while keeping us engaged in a fulfilling life. If there is no return to the womb on offer, then we accept the inevitability of discomfort and shift our energy from escape to curiosity. 

What specifically about this experience is feeling hard and what specifically about this experience is feeling easy? What specifically about this experience is feeling unenjoyable and what specifically about this experience is feeling enjoyable? The valuable information lies in the space between black and white, as nothing is ever all bad or all good, and to discount experiences as such deprives us of the learning within the gray. 

“If this activity no longer feels like a good fit, then what other activity would you like to try?”

“If you don’t want a playdate with Dakota, then who would you like a playdate with?”

Avoidance is a highly advantageous strategy for Anxiety in keeping us safe. “Avoid touching hot pans” should be added to the list of dangers after we burn our hand. Thanks Anxiety! But remember from our earlier lesson on befriending anxiety that her signals are invitations for our consideration, not well-informed commandments. She needs our leadership, with our higher perspective, to discern what is a value add for our overall well-being and what is not.

Trying then choosing, quitting after working through a hard moment, and replacing one thing for another are the three guidelines that have been most impactful for my family and clients in nurturing a healthy relationship Anxiety and working with her naturally avoidant nature in a beneficial way. If you could use some guidance applying these strategies to your family life, I’m here through therapy or coaching. If you want more tools like these, the Sage Mothering course is where you want to be.