Anxiety is a protector within us whose job is to notice potentially dangerous changes in our environment and bring them to our attention, mobilizing our inner resources so we can take steps to protect ourselves (you can learn more about befriending anxiety here).

“Steep drop off the trail to the right—we could fall to our death!“

New information like that is legitimately helpful (even life-saving). We harness the burst of energy she provides and leap to the left side of the trail. Thank you, Anxiety!

But a lot of energy can be wasted if she’s warning of things we already know.

“Our mother disagrees with our parenting style—we might get rejected by our primary caregiver!”

Notice how this one feels less helpful? This is probably not the first time your mother has expressed disagreement with your parenting approach. You know how she feels about your choices. You’ve already considered her feedback and combined that with your intimate knowledge of your child, your exhaustive self-directed education, and your personal values to make the choices you have made.

Which leads us to the powerful question for anxiety . . .

Is this new information?

You see, new information necessitates fresh consideration. It presents a helpful invitation to incorporate new data and recalibrate your expanding understanding of yourself, your people, and the world. It offers a check-in, like a tap on the shoulder to consider a potential shift into greater alignment with a value.

If there is no new information within Anxiety’s signal, we can let her know:

This is not new information.

This self-leadership cues safety to our well-intentioned protector in the same way our mothering co-regulates our child’s nervous system. Our confident guidance is what she needs to rest easy knowing we don’t need her support to move through this moment—nothing has changed.

“Our child’s friend is saying unkind things about them!”

This is not new information in that we already know that this friend says unkind things about people. They have shown us who they are, speaking unkindly about others to our child, so this is information about their character that we already know. We have already supported our child in factoring this information into their connection. It is a part of friendship with that child that our child chooses to accept and has prepared themselves to expect.

Ultimately, this helps us grow into a healthy relationship with Anxiety within which we can accept and expect people and things to be exactly as they have shown themselves to be, and that is a path that significantly increases peace.

“Our kid’s skin looks weird! They might be dying!”

This is new information.

I’ll take a closer look, check in with this kid about symptoms, offer a treatment to try, and take a photo to observe changes over time. Thank you for pulling that subtle difference in the color and texture of that patch of skin to my attention, Anxiety.

We’re embracing that noticing super power and utilizing the energy Anxiety provides to take productive and meaningful action in support of well-being. This is what it looks like to harness this powerful tool of a question to work with Anxiety. Remember, she works for you. She is a tremendous resource and ally. She just needs your leadership. Teach her how to be helpful.

And remember, there is support available for curating a healthy relationship with anxiety (reach out for therapy or coaching). You do not have to find your way on your own.