Equilibrium seems such an odd word choice yet it fits for me. That first year it felt almost like I had been walking at an angle while everyone else was upright. My view of everything and everyone was a little off. My footing was not quite stable. Sometimes just a tap in the wrong spot and I would topple, right back down on the hard floor where I wept every molecule of water from my body as it released a lifetime’s worth of love that baby would never feel through my arms.

I failed. I failed at the only thing I ever thought I never could. I failed at the most basic part of motherhood: giving life. After three perfect pregnancies and babies, I was whole. Now I have to live the rest of my life with a small hole in my heart. The strength of my maternal love and optimism has been my undoing.